Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
