Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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