college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
