Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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