i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
