If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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