Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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