8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
