I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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