Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
