is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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