She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She bit a glass in half.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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