I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
