I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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