There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
