The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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