Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I did not marry a roomba.
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