And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
