i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
