respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
