Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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