Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
