Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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