On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
