After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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