I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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