I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
