I hate your face
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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