All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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