We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My bed smells like the plague
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
