We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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