Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
