I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
