wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
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