Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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