the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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