Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
