I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
