wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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