i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
