The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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