So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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