Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
