My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
