I hate your face
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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