So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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