I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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