There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
