It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
