she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
