I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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