well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
