I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
