so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
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I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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