Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
