i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
