I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
