sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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