i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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